OF LOVE STORIES AND HAPPY ENDINGS

I hate happily ever afters. Especially the mushy ones with rekindled romance, or love at first sight. I find them too superfluous. And they have a way of leaving you delusional. Your mind stretches the fantasy and you start looking forward to all the unrealistic elements. So the actual experience is somewhat disappointing.

I dislike movies with the typical Mills & Boons storyline. If your boyfriend dumps you with good reason, there's no way in hell he's gonna realize couple of years down the damn line that you were 'the one'. And if you're thinking that he's in some sort of denial, think again. He isn't, YOU ARE. Ditto if you're having an affair. No matter how hot the chemistry is or how desirable he claims you are, the smoothie will never call it quits with his fiance. He won't even contemplate that coz he's only looking for easy access to an alternate object. (That's you.) Don't dig for a deeper meaning coz he's alarmingly shallow. That's the reason there's an affair in the first place.

I'm critical about characters which portray a commitment phobia, or fear of intimacy. There is no phobia really, these people are just plain confused. But to say that bluntly doesn't sound appealing. So we construct some complex terms to lend some depth to their confusion, and add an element of intrigue. Even if we were to assume that a particular character actually suffers from the said phobias, I think that's all the more reason to steer clear of them instead of trying to read between their lines. Why would anyone want to pursue a dysfunctional relationship with a manic-depressive plagued by some inexplicable patho? Even a masochist would have serious trouble trying to derive pleasure here.

I'm equally skeptical about the whole knight in shining armour act. It's way too chauvinist. I think all women have the calibre to deal with their own issues. Besides, a spirited woman who can slay her dragons and fight her demons is far more attractive than the demure damsel in eternal distress. The pretty princess comes across as very needy.

And finally, I find the whole sighing and sulking bit, which fetches cute cards and love poems, a bit misplaced. By default, guys aren't programmed to be sentimental. So I suppose the only way to get them to write a poem for us would be by divine intervention. Or supreme motivation. In which case, pouting seems to be a better option.

To be candid, I think love is very much over-stated. Practically every woman on the planet wants her guy to be insanely crazy about her. Courtesy all the silly love stories that are made to look so adorable. It's phenomenal, in the sense that one man's imagination has become every woman's fantasy! We need to read more intelligent books. And we need to watch more action oriented and sci-fi movies. Infact, movies with crappy love themes should strictly have a warning that reads: ' CAUTION - Don't take this too seriously, or you might end up needing medications.'

Happily ever afters probably do occur, but definitely not in an exaggerated rosy way. In day-to-day life, routine sets in. And that translates into a mechanical way of doing things. There's nothing exciting about sipping martini for the 'n'th time with your spouse after 20 years of marriage. At that point, the thrill is probably in sneaking out with somebody else's spouse.

Sticking to your better/bitter half is more of a ritual. After a point, there are no more surprises or discoveries. So it's difficult to sustain the enthusiasm. You can't be in the honeymoon phase your entire married life. And you can't have an adrenaline rush after you've been married to a person for over 30 years. Pretty much the reason why you don't have sex 4 times a week at 65! At that age, if you're expecting your second honeymoon in an exotic locale with long walks and sweet talks, you're grossly over-looking rickety joints and bladder incontinence. Not to mention the lack of libido ofcourse.

Assuming that you do mange to stick it out together that long, you'll have something far more mellow. Honestly, I have no clue what that would feel like. And the funny thing is, I've never seen it in any of the movies either. Wonder if it's coz the movies don't last that long, or the stories don't?

WARD NO. 33

Theres something about working in a govt hospital. All the gory and crappy stuff appears so magnified, that in a strange way it makes us appreciate the trivial, simple details of life that we otherwise tend to overlook. We are hit with the sober fact that youth is so short-lived, life so fickle. A few extra ions in our blood, a couple of extra impulses in our heart, one ruptured vessel in our brain, and its pack up time. Then again, we are struck with the beautiful realization that the human body is, more than anything else, an amazing combination of science and art. And the human mind is truly the most fascinating thing known to man.

All these revelations do not occur when we enter the hospital. Neither do they occur when we leave. They just catch us off gaurd when we are doing the most mundane things. And then our mind simply runs back to the hospital, and we feel the full impact of something we witnessed back there.

We see shrivelled bodies and fragile structures, fighting gallantly or hanging on by a mere shread of hope. Some of them delirious, some comatose, some fairly stable. The spectrum is broad, and they vary anywhere between being aggressive to passive. Some hypochondriacs, and some incredibly narcissistic. They may come with paralysed limbs, or dysfunctional kidneys, an alcoholic liver, or a failing heart. We cut them open, stitch them up, nurture them, then send them back. Some leave eagerly, some grudgingly. Some dont want to leave at all.

But there are some who can not be allowed to leave. Family members dont know how to handle them, friends are scared of them, and society at large shuns them. The lay man calls them mad, the better educated ones call them psychotic. As medicos, we call them schizophrenics. Our world is too boring for them, and theirs is too much of a fantasy for us to believe. They have a surreal existance, and cant let anybody in. We, with all our medical expertise dont know how to let them out.

Cinema has often portrayed caricatures of psychiatric patients, so we have plenty of preconceived notions about them. Contrary to the general erroneous opinion, these people are not retarded. Neither do they go around yelling incessantly while tearing at their clothes. And please, they are not sick serial killers either, though I admit that they can sometimes get violent, and even homicidal. Still they harbour no malice. Their basic problem is an altered sense of perception. And their patho lies in the complete inability to recognize that problem.

What strikes me about them is that they are always so oblivious to their environment, so detached from everything. Even when they interact with you, they somehow seem aloof. Engrossed in their own world, they just go about doing what they want to do, thinking what they want to think, and believing that what they think is the ultimate truth. They will try to explain their obscure ideas to you. And if you happen to disagree, they will argue endlessly and persistently. Or they might just drop the topic thinking you are too thick to understand! I find that nothing less than endearing.

Despite their eccentric, and sometimes obnoxious behaviour, they can be very appealing. They have a knack to amuse you and engage you, which I think stems more from the disease than from their actual personality. Nonetheless, they do capture your interest. Their enigma perhaps lies in the nature of the disease itself, which is a bitter irony. Trapped and tricked by their own minds, they have to ultimately battle against themselves. And it is more or less a lost battle. But they do it in the most bold and inspiring way. As a mere on-looker, I have never felt more touched. Or more humbled.

MAKE A WISH

I'm turning a year older tomorrow and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm not really excited about it. And its got absolutely nothing to do with that morbid ageing phobia. You know how some people simply freak out at the thought that they'll soon be turning 30. Funny thing, considering that most of us live well past 60!

Anyway, for me, its just that a couple of issues have come into sharp focus, and I'm sort of overwhelmed. The major issue of course, is that I'm single and not too keen to mingle. Which works perfectly well for me. But it constantly haunts my mom, and she in turn, haunts me! Which basically means that she does an extensive research over every bachelor in town that she knows of, or her friend or neighbour or distant relative knows of. And then I'm bombarded with a 101 absurd reasons why I should marry the guy. eg. He comes from a good family, doesn't drink, always well dressed, never abuses, very soft-spoken, hasn't had any affairs. (Is he gay?!) The one-sided conversation invariably ends with a "he will keep you happy" verdict. To my horror, I've discovered that my mom is terrific at both, convincing and sulking. 25 years of marriage have taught her well. So I'm afraid she might just coax me into an arranged marriage. GOD FORBID! I'm amazed how manipulative mothers can get when it comes to marriages!

The other important woman in my life who really wants to see me married is none other than my elder sister, who is currently 4 months into her first pregnancy. Prior to her own marriage, she always supported my decision to opt for a late marriage. But post-marriage and peri-pregnancy, she seems to have switched sides. Funnily enough, the only reason she wants me to get married is because she wants me to have kids ASAP, so that our kids can play together and bond well!!! I just hope my sister is only suffering from pregnancy induced dementia, and not permanent brain damage.

What makes matters worse is that I'm not even dating anybody. That sort of gives people a major incentive to look out for guys for me. You know, like its some sort of a community service or a "curb singlehood" campaign! I have all my uncles and aunties trying to do just that. And they come up with the crapiest options. Tell me about the generation "gap". Honestly, if I end up marrying a guy of their choice, my marriage will be nothing but a display of fireworks!

Seriously though, what is so wrong about wanting to stay single in your twenties? Is it a social offence? Has the govt. passed a bill against it? Does anybody even come close to realizing that perhaps I've got better things on my mind than simply get laid and procreate? That I aspire to be somebody successful and independent, with an identity distinct from my husband's. That I want to be at a certain stage in my professional life before I get married. That I want to truly fall in love with a guy before I take the plunge. I aspire to be a surgeon. My mom wants me to opt for a speciality that's less cumbersome, while my dad doesn't want me to specialize at all. Skeptical seniors often tell me that surgery is not a feasible option for a woman. I know they all mean well, but I wish people would be less cynical, and more encouraging. I know things wont be easy, but I'm confident that I'll manage. And I'll be just fine.

Actually, that's the only thing I want my folks to understand. That I will be fine. Don't worry if I'm not dating anybody. Don't worry if I'm still single at 30. Don't worry if I'm an ambitious optimist. Don't worry if I'm different or difficult. I'll eventually marry and have a family. But as of this moment, I'm just enjoying being single. I want to live life on my terms. I don't want to be dictated or manipulated. And I don't want to give up any of my dreams. I want to live 'today' without any compromises in the name of 'tomorrow'. So that when tomorrow finally arrives, I wont have to look back with remorse or regret, for all the things that I could have done, but didn't, just coz somebody felt that I couldn't or shouldn't. When tomorrow arrives, I want to feel fulfilled not just as a woman, but also as a person, as a surgeon. When tomorrow arrives, I want a reason to celebrate not just the coming year, but also the one that has gone by.

My Mumbai still breathing......but burnt and battered.

Mumbai has been under a terror attack yet again. But of a very different nature this time. This was nothing like the multiple blasts that we've witnessed in the past. We were in turmoil for more than 50 long hours, and this was clearly one of our most agonising moments in history. Our NSG commandos, army, navy, and local police have shown exemplary courage amidst all this havoc. Like the news channels rightly pointed out, these are the real brave-hearts of the city, the men who actually put their lives on the line to safeguard us. There can indeed be no greater patriot than the soldier fighting gallantly for his country. And after the men in uniform, I think our media deserves a round of applause. Our correspondents and camera-men have been out there in the danger zone all this while, giving us a relentless, blow-by-blow account of the entire encounter, while we sat back at home and watched with obvious comfort and safety.

As always, we had the mandatory, meaningless speeches made by the politicians, which after a point were infuriating. Empty vessels do make the most noise. Although the politicians were sorely lacking concern for the victims, they did manage to come up with some surprising antics, like portraying a very controversial (and questionable) sense of unity. Amidst all the political drama, the only genuine response came from our security forces. Their anxiously awaited comments were brief and to the point. Unlike the politicians, these men did way more than talk bullshit and stroll around the Taj hotel and J.J. hospital. And of course, we also heard a few passionate lines from some prominent mumbaikars, who perfectly resonated the sentiments of the city.

But amidst all this chaos and mayhem, what we really need to hear is the voice of the common man, the random mumbaikar. How does he feel today? What does he think about this devastation? Isn't he outraged at the alarming frequency and magnitude of these terror attacks? Doesn't he think that our security system is crap, and that our lame politicians are doing a fuck-all job? Doesn't he believe that the inability to avoid, or atleast foresee this massacre is a paramount failure on the part of the administration and the intelligence? Of course, he does. But whats new? Every single time that we witness a reckless episode of terrorism, we're anguished and angered. But the regrettable thing is that as soon as we've dealt with the episode, our anger drastically subsides, and we fail to analyse, or even question what led to such an attack in the first place. We miraculously just put the unfortunate incident behind us and get on with our routine life. If we choose to be this tolerant about terrorism, why gasp in horror when we witness it? The absurd part is that after every major attack on the city, instead of condemning the administration for their lax, mumbaikars applaud themselves for their endurance, for their so-called "spirit". Even our politicians will vouch for the fact that the "spirit" of mumbai never dies. Of course, the mumbaikars dying is an issue that they don't really work upon. Get my point? This over-rated "spirit" of ours is an utterly romantic version connived at covering up the flaws of the politicians. While it is remarkable that our spirit is not subdued by the psycho-activities of a handful of terrorists, it is daft of us to be this resilient and simply carry on with our routine, foolishly assuming that such barbaric attacks of terrorism will not recur. Of course, they will! What the hell are we thinking? Or are we? How much longer before we realize that by not protesting against these attacks, we are dangerously provoking them. By being so submissive, we are inviting, if not exactly breeding terrorism in our city. How can we possibly allow such a bold assault on our city, on us, go unquestioned and then fantasize that it won't repeat? That is extreme stupidity. We are damned if we just normalize again. We are damned if we think things couldn't get any worse. And we are damned if we still talk about our "spirit".

We need to evoke a united response, an organised mass movement. Solitary, sporadic reactions will not do. Instead of coming up with a pathetic, "Why me?" , or a selfish, "Thank God, it wasn't me." , we Indians need to come up with a dignified and resolute, "It WON'T be us again." That said, we need to actively do something about it. We should know better than to think that our netas will take the initiative. They won't budge unless we DEMAND. So, demand we will. Foolproof security ought to be the first on our list. The politicians had better assure us that we can walk fearlessly in our city, unless they're game for a revolt from the masses. Also, some serious ground level changes will have to be demanded. We have to realize that any significant change in our country is not possible without the efforts of our police department. Therefore, undue skepticism towards them should be done with. Their contribution in our society should be readily acknowledged, and they should be motivated to strive harder. Forget not, that these are the men who really defend us, the ultimate regulators of law and order in our society. Without them, even our judicial system would be helpless. Let us learn therefore, to put our hands together for the men in khaki.

And let us learn, not to make the men in white our perennial scapegoats. For goodness' sake, we've got to stop blaming the politicians for everything that goes wrong in the country. True, they are responsible for most of it, but we are the ones who elected them in the first place. So we are much more accountable for this mess than they are. Instead of just lamenting over them, lets do something more constructive, like say, building up some pressure over them so that attacks like these are not taken lightly, or forgotten easily. We have to make the politicians realize how aware we are of their failures. We need to emphasize the point that they are constantly under public scrutiny, and that their screw-ups will be anything but overlooked by the masses. The press is always at our disposal to assert our opinion regarding the administrative failure. How many of us have ever written a letter to the editor? It is a supremely effective way of communicationg our displeasure and anger to the administration.

It won't suffice to sit back and watch the drama unfold. Its time to intervene. And we ought to begin NOW. We can't afford to wait another 150 years before we fight back terrorism. We have to snap out of the mentality that a common man can't do anything significant to change the current scenario. If you think you're just an ordinary man, fine. Start with some ordinary activities. Follow the news closely. Be vigilant when in public places. Look out for any odd or out of place objects, or suspicious characters, and report these promplty. If you wish to bring something to public attention, write to the feedback column of various newspapers, and also read these regularly. In case of a natural calamity, or a disaster like the one we're currently facing, go to your nearest govt. hospital and donate blood. It will be a huge relief in this time of bloodshed. If you're financially well-endowed, donate some money as well. The funds are always welcome, especially after such a major crisis. If you're a celebrity and have the added advantage of charisma, make yourself useful. Give meaningful interviews to create public awareness about political issues. If you're in the media, make a documentary. If you're in the press itself, even better. Be honest and expose the hypocrisy in our system. Write rhetoric articles and motivate the masses, compel them to think. If you're a teacher, you have an excellent opportunity to mould the young minds. Inculcate a sense of national pride and patriotism in them. If you're a college student, organise debates over political themes. If you are a prominet figure with some political clout, pull a few strings to get some purposeful things done. Any chance you're an MLA, get your lousy ass into action. If doing any of this still seems like a fantasy to you, never mind. Atleast see to it that your kids, elderly members of the family are well-informed about our national issues, your maid even.

And finally, we need to fight the enemy within. We have to think of ourselves and of our fellow countrymen as INDIANS FIRST, before we think of ourselves as Maharashtrians or mumbaikars. If we remain so engrossed in internal discriminations, how can we ever succeed at fighting external threats? What is really needed is not a change of leadership, but an intense sense of national unity. The persistence of internal conflicts in our nation implies deep-rooted problems in our society, which will have to be tackled in a civilized manner. We have to learn to communicate our differences calmly, and then come to mutually acceptable decisions. Riots are never the solution. The indiscriminate finger-pointing and blame-game will have to end as well. We need to keep in mind the bigger picture (read national peace and security), and zealously work our way towards it. Old prejudices and orthodox systems will have to be discarded. Ancient doctrines will have to be replaced by modern ones. The begining of a new era has to be heralded by a new ideology. We first need to ensure that our infrastructure is not crippled with corruption and caste system, that we are not biased towards any region or religion, that we truly are a secular and democratic nation. And when we've effectively dealt with all our internal differences, only then can we defeat the enemy outside. It is ultimately, all in the mind. The battle must be won before it is fought. VANDE MATARAM.

MADE FOR EACH OTHER?

Marriages, they say, are made in heaven. Thankfully, the marriage counsellors and divorce attorneys are found on earth. Recent statistics assert that divorce rates are increasing alarmingly. And although it is unreasonable to say that this is a constructive trend, it would be unfair to call it entirely negative. On one side ofcourse, it reflects a lack in our emotional stability, our immaturity at dealing with and maintaining long-term relations. But along with this fickleness of our nature, the divorce statistics also depict a change in our otherwise narrow mindset. Divorce is no longer a taboo or a social stigma, irrespective of one's gender. Being a divorcee doesn't imply that the individual is the object of mass speculation, or some sort of an outcaste. The social acceptance of divorcees has significantly improved. I believe this change is for the better. But this is not really the point that I wanna make.

My concern is that inspite of the striking increase in divorce rates, there are still plenty of couples who are stuck in a loveless, meaningless marriage that was never meant to be in the first place. More precisely, they 'choose' to remain stuck in such a marriage. Its not even a marriage of convenience. Yet most of them never dare to divorce. Its like some sort of a complusion - once you get into it, you 'have to' remain in it. I've heard this statement more than once, and I've heard unbelievably insane reasons to back it up. Either our species is too damn emotional, or we just don't have the balls to file for a divorce.

A few unfortunate ones do not divorce because they are financially dependent on their spouses. Surprising as this may sound, it is actually pretty common. These are mostly women, ex-working women actually, who became house-wives at the insistence of their chauvinist husbands. Mostly confined to the household affairs, their social network is pretty restricted. They rarely go for outings with their friends, infact they are not in touch with most of their friends. Worse still, they are not even in tune with their own wants and needs. You will spot them occasionally at social gatherings, where they obediently tag along with their husbands, exchange polite greetings with the host and then kill time while their husbands are busy mingling with the guests. You'll find the poor woman waiting patiently at the same spot even at the end of the party, while her husband gulps his last drink and has his last guffaw for the night. I find these women extremely timid, and stupid. They don't have to continue with life like that. But they continue to do so, all the while firmly believing that they don't have any other option. BUT THEY DO.

They can firmly put their foot down, and resist the drab routine. Instead they simply surrender hands down. It has always been my firm belief that each person is responsible for the mess he or she is in. Nobody deserves sympathy. Yet I feel very sorry for such women. Observe them closely, and you can sense how unfulfilled they are. They are always cravinging for their husband's love, longing for his appreciation. They are emotionally starved and usually have nobody to confide into. They seek solace in their kids, but kids can be very thoughtless at times. Besides, teenage kids are always more fascinated by their friends, than by their family. With time, these women lose all sense of self-esteem and often question their own worth. Clinical depression is what inevitably follows. And that is far worse than it sounds.

Another type of marriage is a very peculiar one, wherein the couples spend extended intervals of time away from each other. It is obviously owing to the professional requirements of one of the spouses. The marriage typically looks very well co-ordinated, which it is. The couple meets once in 4-6 months, they give each other an account of the major happenings around them, hang out together a coupla times, and then part for good for another 4- 6 months. They seem to be in perfect harmony, so the question of divorce doesn't arise at all. Except that they are not in love, they don't miss each other during their prolonged periods of absence, nor do they attempt to stay in touch during that time. They are not really working at maintaining their marriage, and they are absolutely not involved with or attached to their spouse. Ironically, the only reason their marriage is working out so well, is because they see each other so infrequently. Its not like they are too mature to fight. Fact is they are too aloof to even talk! They have so much space in their relation, that it turns into distance. Their emotional distance is perfectly commensurate with their geographical distance. Oddly, their mutual understanding is paramount. To the point that if they were to divorce, it would be extremely amicable. The only reason that they refrain from doing so, is that a divorce would be way too tedious. So they would much rather stay in the 'arrangement' and carry on individually with their respective lives.

Theres the other vast majority of couples that claim that they are in the marriage just for the sake of their kids. They do not want their kids to bear the brunt of a divorce, or so they say. But the sad fact that they often over-look is that kids are prone to much more damage when staying in a hostile environment, where the parents are constantly at loggerheads. Most adults have no idea what that does to a kid's sensitive psyche. And all this in the name of their kids' best interests. Quite frankly, these couples continue to remain in the marriage not for the sake of their kids, but because they are not bold enough to get out of it. And at some level they too are aware of this. The kids are only a lame excuse for their own fear, anxiety and apprehension concerning a divorce. Come on, which adult with a sound judgement is unaware of the fact kids brought up in a quarrelsome domestic atmosphere tend to be cynical about long-term relations and marriages? Atleast with single parenting, the kid gets some much needed peace of mind. And somewhere at the back of his mind, he nutures a hope for the possibility of a healthy relation in his future. Instead, when the kid sees his parents stuck in a strained marriage, he subconsciously develops a skeptical attitude towards marriages specifically, and long-term reations in general. In an extreme scenario, the kid might turn into a promiscuous adult, or he might have an aversion just to the idea of getting intimate with the opposite sex.

Actually even without kids or any financial dependency, there are a sizeable number of people who are reluctant to divorce, some owing to the emotional crisis that a divorce entails, some because they had married against their parents' wishes, some due to a kind of social obligation to their in-laws, and some just. An incredible number of couples refuse to divorce inspite of having more than good reason to do so. Marriage seems to have a kind of inertia. Ending a marriage is a drastic step which has many hinderances. The strongest inhibiting factor ofcourse lies within the individual himself or herself. Even when a person has a dozen valid reasons to end a marriage, he or she is still in a dilemma whether to divorce or not. I'm perplexed by this attitude. Seems like we adhere to the routine so much, we're almost afraid to act differently. Doesn't matter even if the routine is just not working out, or its filled with a truckload of crap. We're just too scared to start all over again. Understandably, the 'fear of the unknown' is very daunting, so we prefer being on familiar grounds. And divorce has an additional fear - the 'fear of being alone'. Its a natural tendency [a protective mechanism actually] to be scared to to do something different, especially when we are alone. The innate fear factor never really ceases to haunt the human mind. And its so over-whelming that we simply lose all logic. Another factor that makes us reluctant to divorce is our complex thinking. Men generally regard marriage as a social symbol of their success, while women perceive their marital status as a security blanket. So letting go is not something that is appealing to either one. What further aggravates this situation is that when people actually give a serious thought to divorce, well meaning relatives and friends inadvertently discourage them, and try their best to talk them out of it. Read that as brainwash, browbeat, and even emotionally blackmail them. For the miscellaneous well-wisher, contemplating divorce is just NOT DONE whilst you're [happily?] married!

More importantly, the reluctance to divorce points towards the emotional dependency on the spouse at a subconscious level. This is directly proprotional to the number of years a couple has been married. Also, we are typically plagued by denial. Most people are unable to accept the fact that they made a wrong choice regarding one of the most momentous decisions of their life. It shows us too sharply the error in our judgement. Or perhaps, the judgement was correct, but we weren't tough enough to follow through. For many of us, this is a direct blow to our ego. It takes one considerable time and cool-headed retrospection to come to terms with this. Unfortunately, most of us always tend to justify our actions, instead of accepting our mistakes and drawbacks. The 'blame game' is very common among egocentric couples. The other extreme ofcourse, are couples who are so consumed by guilt, that in their desperation to rectify their mistakes, they continue to stay in the marriage even against their better judgement.

But again, divorce should not be used as an escape-route at the slightest marital distress. And it should never be threatened just to manipulate the marriage. Divorce is without doubt, a drastic step which presumably has some very harsh effects on the individuals involved, as well as on their kids and immediate families. And especially when kids are involved, by all means, every effort should be made to make the marriage work. If it still doesn't work out, then utmost care should be taken to see that the divorce doesn't get ugly. And even with all due precautions taken, one should still expect some emotional trauma to the kids. In due course of time, the damage may or may not be repaired. Still, I do think that the damage caused by divorce is much less than that caused by belligerent couples. In a marriage, its imperative to know when to try harder and when to walk away. Sometimes, its best to argue the toss.