Marriages, they say, are made in heaven. Thankfully, the marriage counsellors and divorce attorneys are found on earth. Recent statistics assert that divorce rates are increasing alarmingly. And although it is unreasonable to say that this is a constructive trend, it would be unfair to call it entirely negative. On one side ofcourse, it reflects a lack in our emotional stability, our immaturity at dealing with and maintaining long-term relations. But along with this fickleness of our nature, the divorce statistics also depict a change in our otherwise narrow mindset. Divorce is no longer a taboo or a social stigma, irrespective of one's gender. Being a divorcee doesn't imply that the individual is the object of mass speculation, or some sort of an outcaste. The social acceptance of divorcees has significantly improved. I believe this change is for the better. But this is not really the point that I wanna make.
My concern is that inspite of the striking increase in divorce rates, there are still plenty of couples who are stuck in a loveless, meaningless marriage that was never meant to be in the first place. More precisely, they 'choose' to remain stuck in such a marriage. Its not even a marriage of convenience. Yet most of them never dare to divorce. Its like some sort of a complusion - once you get into it, you 'have to' remain in it. I've heard this statement more than once, and I've heard unbelievably insane reasons to back it up. Either our species is too damn emotional, or we just don't have the balls to file for a divorce.
A few unfortunate ones do not divorce because they are financially dependent on their spouses. Surprising as this may sound, it is actually pretty common. These are mostly women, ex-working women actually, who became house-wives at the insistence of their chauvinist husbands. Mostly confined to the household affairs, their social network is pretty restricted. They rarely go for outings with their friends, infact they are not in touch with most of their friends. Worse still, they are not even in tune with their own wants and needs. You will spot them occasionally at social gatherings, where they obediently tag along with their husbands, exchange polite greetings with the host and then kill time while their husbands are busy mingling with the guests. You'll find the poor woman waiting patiently at the same spot even at the end of the party, while her husband gulps his last drink and has his last guffaw for the night. I find these women extremely timid, and stupid. They don't have to continue with life like that. But they continue to do so, all the while firmly believing that they don't have any other option. BUT THEY DO.
They can firmly put their foot down, and resist the drab routine. Instead they simply surrender hands down. It has always been my firm belief that each person is responsible for the mess he or she is in. Nobody deserves sympathy. Yet I feel very sorry for such women. Observe them closely, and you can sense how unfulfilled they are. They are always cravinging for their husband's love, longing for his appreciation. They are emotionally starved and usually have nobody to confide into. They seek solace in their kids, but kids can be very thoughtless at times. Besides, teenage kids are always more fascinated by their friends, than by their family. With time, these women lose all sense of self-esteem and often question their own worth. Clinical depression is what inevitably follows. And that is far worse than it sounds.
Another type of marriage is a very peculiar one, wherein the couples spend extended intervals of time away from each other. It is obviously owing to the professional requirements of one of the spouses. The marriage typically looks very well co-ordinated, which it is. The couple meets once in 4-6 months, they give each other an account of the major happenings around them, hang out together a coupla times, and then part for good for another 4- 6 months. They seem to be in perfect harmony, so the question of divorce doesn't arise at all. Except that they are not in love, they don't miss each other during their prolonged periods of absence, nor do they attempt to stay in touch during that time. They are not really working at maintaining their marriage, and they are absolutely not involved with or attached to their spouse. Ironically, the only reason their marriage is working out so well, is because they see each other so infrequently. Its not like they are too mature to fight. Fact is they are too aloof to even talk! They have so much space in their relation, that it turns into distance. Their emotional distance is perfectly commensurate with their geographical distance. Oddly, their mutual understanding is paramount. To the point that if they were to divorce, it would be extremely amicable. The only reason that they refrain from doing so, is that a divorce would be way too tedious. So they would much rather stay in the 'arrangement' and carry on individually with their respective lives.
Theres the other vast majority of couples that claim that they are in the marriage just for the sake of their kids. They do not want their kids to bear the brunt of a divorce, or so they say. But the sad fact that they often over-look is that kids are prone to much more damage when staying in a hostile environment, where the parents are constantly at loggerheads. Most adults have no idea what that does to a kid's sensitive psyche. And all this in the name of their kids' best interests. Quite frankly, these couples continue to remain in the marriage not for the sake of their kids, but because they are not bold enough to get out of it. And at some level they too are aware of this. The kids are only a lame excuse for their own fear, anxiety and apprehension concerning a divorce. Come on, which adult with a sound judgement is unaware of the fact kids brought up in a quarrelsome domestic atmosphere tend to be cynical about long-term relations and marriages? Atleast with single parenting, the kid gets some much needed peace of mind. And somewhere at the back of his mind, he nutures a hope for the possibility of a healthy relation in his future. Instead, when the kid sees his parents stuck in a strained marriage, he subconsciously develops a skeptical attitude towards marriages specifically, and long-term reations in general. In an extreme scenario, the kid might turn into a promiscuous adult, or he might have an aversion just to the idea of getting intimate with the opposite sex.
Actually even without kids or any financial dependency, there are a sizeable number of people who are reluctant to divorce, some owing to the emotional crisis that a divorce entails, some because they had married against their parents' wishes, some due to a kind of social obligation to their in-laws, and some just. An incredible number of couples refuse to divorce inspite of having more than good reason to do so. Marriage seems to have a kind of inertia. Ending a marriage is a drastic step which has many hinderances. The strongest inhibiting factor ofcourse lies within the individual himself or herself. Even when a person has a dozen valid reasons to end a marriage, he or she is still in a dilemma whether to divorce or not. I'm perplexed by this attitude. Seems like we adhere to the routine so much, we're almost afraid to act differently. Doesn't matter even if the routine is just not working out, or its filled with a truckload of crap. We're just too scared to start all over again. Understandably, the 'fear of the unknown' is very daunting, so we prefer being on familiar grounds. And divorce has an additional fear - the 'fear of being alone'. Its a natural tendency [a protective mechanism actually] to be scared to to do something different, especially when we are alone. The innate fear factor never really ceases to haunt the human mind. And its so over-whelming that we simply lose all logic. Another factor that makes us reluctant to divorce is our complex thinking. Men generally regard marriage as a social symbol of their success, while women perceive their marital status as a security blanket. So letting go is not something that is appealing to either one. What further aggravates this situation is that when people actually give a serious thought to divorce, well meaning relatives and friends inadvertently discourage them, and try their best to talk them out of it. Read that as brainwash, browbeat, and even emotionally blackmail them. For the miscellaneous well-wisher, contemplating divorce is just NOT DONE whilst you're [happily?] married!
More importantly, the reluctance to divorce points towards the emotional dependency on the spouse at a subconscious level. This is directly proprotional to the number of years a couple has been married. Also, we are typically plagued by denial. Most people are unable to accept the fact that they made a wrong choice regarding one of the most momentous decisions of their life. It shows us too sharply the error in our judgement. Or perhaps, the judgement was correct, but we weren't tough enough to follow through. For many of us, this is a direct blow to our ego. It takes one considerable time and cool-headed retrospection to come to terms with this. Unfortunately, most of us always tend to justify our actions, instead of accepting our mistakes and drawbacks. The 'blame game' is very common among egocentric couples. The other extreme ofcourse, are couples who are so consumed by guilt, that in their desperation to rectify their mistakes, they continue to stay in the marriage even against their better judgement.
But again, divorce should not be used as an escape-route at the slightest marital distress. And it should never be threatened just to manipulate the marriage. Divorce is without doubt, a drastic step which presumably has some very harsh effects on the individuals involved, as well as on their kids and immediate families. And especially when kids are involved, by all means, every effort should be made to make the marriage work. If it still doesn't work out, then utmost care should be taken to see that the divorce doesn't get ugly. And even with all due precautions taken, one should still expect some emotional trauma to the kids. In due course of time, the damage may or may not be repaired. Still, I do think that the damage caused by divorce is much less than that caused by belligerent couples. In a marriage, its imperative to know when to try harder and when to walk away. Sometimes, its best to argue the toss.
